10 Steps to Getting Your Life Back After Narcissistic Abuse

Newton’s law: Objects that are stationary, tend to remain stationary. Objects that are in motion, tend to be in motion.

One of the most difficult things about overcoming narcissistic abuse is shifting the dynamic from dwelling in pain and ruminating on the past to gaining momentum that will launch us into a brighter future.

ONE. SET BOUNDARIES.

In order for the healing to commence, you need to put a protective shield around yourself. If you can physically get away, that is the best. Any memory of the narcissist will keep triggering the pain, slowing down your recovery. So, block them on your phone, email, all your social media, etc. Get rid of any memorabilia reminding you of them. And for goodness sake, do not stalk their profiles!

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TWO. GET THE TOXICITY OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

During the time you’ve spent around the narcissist doing everything in your power to please and appease them, you’ve been exposed to a serious mental disorder. It is extremely unhealthy to the mind of an empath. We took it in by doing what we could to ‘understand’ them and walk in their shoes. Narcissists know this and take full advantage of this empathic trait.

THREE. ACKNOWLEDGE THE TRUTH & FORGIVE YOURSELF.

This step will begin to set your mind straight. You must accept the truth that this person was highly toxic and consciously hurt you. Realize you’ve been tricked, manipulated and abused! Your high pain threshold worked to your disadvantage, making them push you farther and farther with each abuse cycle. Seeing them as a reflection of you, obscured the warning signs and made them fly under your radar. Your best traits were used against you: empathy, desire to explore, openness, positive sociability, etc. (For more in-depth exploration of this topic, check out my video ‘8 reasons you fell into the narc trap.’) And finally, not realizing you were in a dirty game, you were outmaneuvered.

FOUR. REALIZE THAT PART OF YOU KNEW.

But you disregarded it. This is a step where we begin to take responsibility (not to be confused with self-blame!) and do a rational post-mortem analysis of what happened.

FIVE. DO SELF-INQUIRY.

The period of overcoming and healing from narcissistic abuse is an exceptional opportunity for growth. This is because now we have an unimpeded look at our vulnerabilities. This is not easy to do, which is why most people never get this deep and instead remain stuck in more-less the same modus–operandi for majority of their life, even while desiring change.

SIX. HEAL YOUR INNER CHILD.

Taking a trip back to childhood is a necessary component of healing if we want lasting results. It will create a sense of inner cohesion, eliminate much unresolved pain and restore deeper connection to self-trust. The little one inside you needs your help. They need you to see them, hear them, love then and guide them. There is no better person I could recommend here than the work of John Bradshaw. His ten-part video series titled ‘Homecoming’ was instrumental in getting me out of a dark hole of despair and into a sunshine bathed meadow of innocence where my little girl and I got to really connect. This time for good.

SEVEN. SHIFT YOUR FOCUS.

There will be a long period of time where you will feel pulled towards the past. It is cognitive dissonance and trauma bond at work. It is a sign that there are still things you need to understand and emotions to process. It is absolutely necessary to continue this work, but instead of letting the past steal your present moments, set aside dedicated time to do just that.

EIGHT. PRACTICE LISTENING.

As I mentioned above, the inner quiet voice is your best friend. Even, and especially, while you are in the midst of chaos and pain, it can help navigate you out of suffering. There are many reasons why we experienced narcissistic abuse. Many of those reasons were outside our control. The world is full of manipulative characters who live to fulfill their own agenda. Now it is time for you to take your destiny back in your hands.

NINE. ACTIVATE YOUR VAGUS NERVE.

Being in an abusive relationship made us constantly dwell in a state of hyper-vigilance, even if we were not aware of it. Even during the highs, the intensity of the relationship made it seem like we are on a roller coaster ride. Other times, we were walking on our tip-toes not to disturb the abuser.

TEN. BE PATIENT.

Whether you get upset at yourself because you slipped up and fallen right back to the pit, or get frustrated that you are not making faster progress and instead crying again, please be kind to yourself. This healing requires deep work and deep work requires time.

Self-development tools for self-healing and authentic relating. #coach #writer mysoulgps.org

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