Recently I’ve been asked an interesting question that I addressed in a live Q&A session (link at the bottom).
It sounded like this:
Is there a mechanism in empathic people that subconsciously drives them towards experiencing rejection?
This is an interesting and important question that I believe reflects a popular train of thought among targets and victims of narcissistic abuse that brings them to conclude that they are the ones responsible for bringing the abuse onto themselves.
Let me be blunt: no amount of shame, guilt or fear of rejection you may be holding inside you is what “attracted” an abuser to you.
Humans are complex. We hold a lot of complex feelings inside of us that are in constant flux. So to think that the presence of a single emotion drove you to “attract” to yourself the experience of pain due to rejection is simply not fair.
(Rather, it could be the result of gaslighting; more about that in a moment.)
Yes, the presence of negative emotions may have caused you to overlook certain signs that would indicate that you’re dealing with an abuser. Perhaps they even made you lean into the relationship more because you wanted those heavy, unpleasant feelings to be replaced with hope, joy and love.
This does not mean however that you made the abuse happen. The abuser made it happen. They didn’t have to but they chose to. Period.
It’s More Common Than You May Think.
These people, these predators, are walking among us. It could be a matter of time before the person next door becomes a statistical casualty. These things happen. And they happen to both the people who are healthy and happy as well as those who are sad and in pain.
It is my belief that majority of people at some point in their life have experienced (or will experience) the sting of a narcissist’s dig. But in majority of cases, while uncomfortable, it was/will be mild enough for them to move on and not take notice.
Those who sought answers and have gone on a quest to understand the mind of a narcissist are usually the people whose lives have been completely blown apart by the deceitful wolves in sheep skins, or “people of the lie,” as Dr. Scott Peck famously called them.
Studying the nature of evil is hard work. The topic is dark and depressing. I know that if I didn’t have to, I’d probably not voluntarily choose to do it.
Fortunately though, besides the gloom, I discovered that there is light at the end of this tunnel. There are ways to fight evil and win. And today more than ever, people need to know about the strategies and tools they can use to counter evil in their lives and in the world. The future of our planet literally depends on it.
Narcissists are among us and there are many of them. You are not responsible for their existence. What you are responsible for is the health of your own mind and what you will do with the knowledge you gain as a result of this experience.
Remember, you don’t have to do it alone. There is help available.
The “Rejection Drive”
In my view, no normal, sane person when starting a new relationship does it just so that they can then make it fall apart, reject or be rejected. It doesn’t matter whether the drive is conscious or subconscious. It is simply false. If anyone was driven to end or destroy something, it would be the narcissist.
Another thing that the narcissist would likely do is gaslight you to believing that you are the one responsible for the relationship’s end. This enables them to wash their hands clean, relinquish blame and sidestep their conscience.
Generally, when we meet someone we like, we feel the desire to get to know them. The “driver,” if there is one, is to come even closer and create something together. Whether we have the right tools to build a lasting relationship is another matter.
So next time you rush into blaming yourself for getting inside of or staying too long in a relationship where your narcissistic partner put you through the idealize-devalue-discard (reject) cycle, don’t be so quick to assume that you have brought it on yourself.
Consider that you’ve been played. Consider, that this could’ve been the narcissist’s projection rather than your own.
Also consider that there are likely many “causes” and mechanisms that drive such relationships. And they are complex. As are you. To unpack them is an individual process of self-discovery that’s unique to you.
For more on this and more topics, tune in to the Q&A session below. ⬇️
If you are finding it difficult to break away from your abuser, I invite you to explore my Soul GPS 12-part UNCHAINED program. In it, I included everything that helped me break free and make peace with myself. You will find it here: https://www.mysoulgps.org/unchained-program
To receive FREE support, have a look at my three-step SOS program available on my website. I’m also available for one-on-one coaching.
